Tag: Depression

Personal

January Goals

Nic

I’m not going to be making any new year’s resolutions this year because let’s face it, it takes more than a page in a calendar changing for me to change.

That being said I’ve made some goals I want to achieve this month, and I’m going to work to get them!

  • Read 3 books
  • Get back to blogging
  • Set up an Etsy
  • Do corrections for unit 1 of counselling course
  • Finish a standard of my induction book for work
  • Learn all I can about my new job

I can’t wait to see what this month brings, I hope there isn’t anymore smashes (I can’t afford another new car!!).

I hope 2020 is better than 2019 was and I’m gonna try my best to get recovery to work for me. I’ve been being treated for mental illness basically my whole adult life and would like to eventually not be. That’s a long term goal and it’s not something that’s gonna be easy. But nothing worth having is easy!

Nic xx

Personal

What a fortnight I’ve had

Nic

So its only the 14th of October and already a lot has happened!

I got a new dog called Ciara who is another rescue lurcher. She’s been in kennels for her whole life basically so shes had a bit of adjusting but i think she’s doing just fine!

I also got the start date for my new job and handed in my notice. It has been a month and a half since I got my offer so I was (un)patiently waiting. In that time I had to think what I actually wanted to do workwise and if this is the job I wanted. I finally made the decision, despite others tryingto sway me. My current job has made my decision so much easier! I’m annoyed at how much I’ve put in to the company for them to just ignore me.

I still haven’t heard anything from CMHT since they cancelled my appointment 4 weeks ago! Part of me wants to wait to see how long it’ll take them to contact me but the other part knows I need the support. It’s so annoying.

I’ve been working away at my counselling diploma. I’m nearly finished module 1. I’m really enjoying it and definitely know that it is something I want to do.

I’m really excited to see what the next two weeks of the month will bring!

Nic x

Guiding, Personal

7 things I would have missed

Nic

NOTE: talk of suicide and suicidal thoughts

One of the lowest points of my mental illness was when I was suicidal and even attempted. As you can probably tell, that attempt was unsuccessful. As my mental health is currently at the worst it has been in a while, I thought now would be a good time to reflect on what I would have missed if I had been successful.

1. Going on a GOLD project
Last year I was part of GOLD Zambia, which was a project to grow guiding within Zambia for 3 weeks. I had always dreamed of being selected to go on a GOLD project but at one point thought it would never happen. Being selected meant more to me because of the fact it showed how far I had come.

2. Graduating from uni

Uni and the stress that came with it may have been one of the main causes of my mental illnesses and the decline in my health. Despite that, I am incredibly proud of myself for being able to graduate. I am the first person in my family to go to uni, never mind graduate so it’s a really big deal that I was able to! Although I think it’ll be a while before I’m back!!

3. Meeting Rose

I’ve only had Rose for 7 months but she is genuinely one of the best things for me to come back to myself when I dissociate. She’s so funny and is always up to something which takes my mind off things going on in my mind.

4. Going to a Grand Prix

My mum and I are both F1 fans and it was always our dream to go to a race. Two years ago we finally went to our first race in Belgium. It was everything we thought it would be and more. We loved it so much we booked our accommodation for Germany the next year while we were there. We went to the Spanish race this year and are planning on going to the Dutch one next year.

5. Getting my Adult Leadership Qualification

I had been working on my ALQ through guiding since I was 18 but I had to put it to the side when I was really ill. I really wanted to complete it to be able to say that I was a qualified leader. Last year I completed modules 1-3 in rainbows and guides and earlier this year I completed module 4 which allows me to be leader in charge of a unit.

6. Becoming a Peer Ed trainer

I was trained to become a Peer Ed trainer in 2017. Not only was this a great achievement in itself, I also got a level 3 award in education and training which could come in handy if I wanted to persue a career in training.

7. Meeting some of the best friends ever

My attempt was when I was still living at home. I moved out a few months later and my housemate is genuinely one of the best people about. Not only was she also a tea enthusiast, she understood my need to be alone when I had done too much peopleing that day. She also came and sat with me in A&E any time I had to go because of my CVS. I have also made other invaluable friends through guiding experiences and work that I don’t know what I’d do without.

I’m sure there are many other things i would have missed but I can’t think of them right now! These are just the major highlights that I’m so glad I was around to experience!

Personal

Appointment update

Nic

NOTE: talk of self harm

So, as I said in my post on Tuesday, I had an appointment with a CPN at the CMHT yesterday. I was dreading it so much. I`ve had so many bad experiences with the community mental health teams, that one in particular. I was so scared I was going to be fobbed off again when I know that I need help. I barely slept on Wednesday morning (I was on Nightshift so didn’t get the chance to sleep until Wednesday.

Coming up to the time of the appointment, my stomach was churning I was so nervous. This nervous feeling wasn’t helped by the distinct dentist smell within the entire building!!

Thankfully, the appointment went really well. I felt that I was really listened to. That’s definitely a new one for me! She asked a lot of clinical questions to gauge how I really was and what the level of risk was. This was somewhat exhausting because I normally struggle to be really open about how I am feeling and stuff and also because it made me dig up some things I normally leave buried.

We also came up with a plan of action going forward which includes an increase in the dose of my current medication, a recommendation of a free course she thinks would be helpful for me, homework of keeping a diary of my self harming actions to see if a pattern can be determined so we know where to put interventions in place, and finally another appointment for a fortnight to see how I am getting on. The long term could potentially see a referral to psychological services as I have already had a course of counselling with the self-harm intervention programme (SHIP) and the actions have increased.

I am wanting to try anything that could potentially help as I want to get better. I also know that it’s not going to happen overnight and will require a lot of hard work.

Until next time,

Nic