NOTE: talk of suicide and suicidal thoughts
One of the lowest points of my mental illness was when I was suicidal and even attempted. As you can probably tell, that attempt was unsuccessful. As my mental health is currently at the worst it has been in a while, I thought now would be a good time to reflect on what I would have missed if I had been successful.
1. Going on a GOLD project
Last year I was part of GOLD Zambia, which was a project to grow guiding within Zambia for 3 weeks. I had always dreamed of being selected to go on a GOLD project but at one point thought it would never happen. Being selected meant more to me because of the fact it showed how far I had come.
2. Graduating from uni
Uni and the stress that came with it may have been one of the main causes of my mental illnesses and the decline in my health. Despite that, I am incredibly proud of myself for being able to graduate. I am the first person in my family to go to uni, never mind graduate so it’s a really big deal that I was able to! Although I think it’ll be a while before I’m back!!
3. Meeting Rose
I’ve only had Rose for 7 months but she is genuinely one of the best things for me to come back to myself when I dissociate. She’s so funny and is always up to something which takes my mind off things going on in my mind.
4. Going to a Grand Prix
My mum and I are both F1 fans and it was always our dream to go to a race. Two years ago we finally went to our first race in Belgium. It was everything we thought it would be and more. We loved it so much we booked our accommodation for Germany the next year while we were there. We went to the Spanish race this year and are planning on going to the Dutch one next year.
5. Getting my Adult Leadership Qualification
I had been working on my ALQ through guiding since I was 18 but I had to put it to the side when I was really ill. I really wanted to complete it to be able to say that I was a qualified leader. Last year I completed modules 1-3 in rainbows and guides and earlier this year I completed module 4 which allows me to be leader in charge of a unit.
6. Becoming a Peer Ed trainer
I was trained to become a Peer Ed trainer in 2017. Not only was this a great achievement in itself, I also got a level 3 award in education and training which could come in handy if I wanted to persue a career in training.
7. Meeting some of the best friends ever
My attempt was when I was still living at home. I moved out a few months later and my housemate is genuinely one of the best people about. Not only was she also a tea enthusiast, she understood my need to be alone when I had done too much peopleing that day. She also came and sat with me in A&E any time I had to go because of my CVS. I have also made other invaluable friends through guiding experiences and work that I don’t know what I’d do without.
I’m sure there are many other things i would have missed but I can’t think of them right now! These are just the major highlights that I’m so glad I was around to experience!