December thoughts

This month started with a bang. Quite literally. I wrote my car off in a crash. Thankfully neither me or the occupants in the other cars were seriously injured but I did have to take a couple of weeks off work to allow my sprained wrist and ankle to heal and to allow my asthma to clear up again.

House deposit half gone to pay for a deposit for a new car and I’m mobile again!

I had been feeling more stable mentally leading up to the crash and immediately after. But since it the stress has been increasing and I’ve been feeling more and more cranky and teary. I started counselling again last week to help while I’m still waiting on my psychology referral to come about.

I am slightly annoyed with myself that I still am not recovered and that this has been going on for the best part of a year but I know that it doesn’t just get better overnight and I’m improving little by little all the time. I may not be where I want to be but it’s better than nothing!


October goals

September was a bit of a rollercoaster for me so I’m hoping for a better October! Here is some things I’d like to achieve:

  1. Celebrate Rose’s first birthday
  2. Make a decision about work and what I want to do
  3. Finish unit 1 of counselling course
  4. Blog more
  5. Save more towards house deposit
  6. Read at least one book
  7. Practice self care more

Im sure there’s more that might come up over the month.

Nic x


The problem with bottling things up

TW: talks of suicide

We’re always told to not bottle up how we feel. I can’t count the times I’ve said it to friends when they’re struggling to find a solution to something. Even then I operate a “do as I say not as I do” policy!! I have the biggest culprit of bottling things up I’ve ever met.

I have always put it down to being an only child. After all, if something went wrong and you didn’t want the parents to know, you didn’t have anyone to talk it over with. So that’s kind of how I approach my coping with mental illness. I don’t tell anyone until it’s too late.

Lately I’ve had a lot going on.

I took a group of girls to Portugal with Girlguiding Ulster. I thought it might be a bit challenging but overall enjoyable. Boy was I wrong. As first aider I was never off duty. It seemed every time I turned my back someone had fallen or started crying with homesickness. Then there was the trip to hospital and the constant phone calls to parents and our home contact. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I went back to work after and joked that I needed 3 weeks off to recover from my week and a half off!

Within a week of coming home from Portugal, I had guide camp with my own guides. This was a lot less stressful, even though I was organising it. The most stressful thing was discovering a small fire when we returned to site after a few hours away and quite a lot of damage I hadn’t budgeted for. But even that turned out ok in the end.

It was my dad’s big birthday that weekend so I was planning the surprises for that in the background. I hadn’t had a break after Portugal at all.

Last week, I had a job interview on Monday morning, two nightshifts and my cars MOT and a CPN appointment scheduled for Wednesday afternoon.

This was when the proverbial hit the van. My appointment was cancelled as my CPN was off sick. Suddenly everything that I’d bottled up for the past few weeks came out. And not in a good way.

I was making real, serious plans to end my life. It was scary just how quickly I fell apart. I mainly remember sitting on my stairs after I told some friends I couldn’t go out the next day in tears. I just couldn’t face them or tell them what was going on.

I went into the living room and sat on the sofa beside Rose. Next thing I remember it was 3 hours later. I wasn’t as raw or in as much pain when I woke up from my nap. Being a lazy bitch saved me!!

I’ve still been having the odd thought now and then but they’ve not been that strong again. I was genuinely scared at how quickly it came over me and how low I got.

Now my task is to start listening to myself when I say not to bottle things up and to put steps in place that will hopefully prevent me getting to that point again.


What’s changed

Since I last regularly blogged there has been a few major changes in my life:

I graduated uni

After 5 long difficult years at university where my mental and physical health suffered, I finally finished in April! I got a 2:1 MSci Honours degree in biochemistry, which was my target grade!

I moved back home

I had lived 20 odd miles from my parents while I was studying but with my degree coming to an end, I had to move back with my parents. Well I didn’t have to but i thought it would be better to move back and save to buy a house rather than rent somewhere.

I got a puppy

Probably the most exciting update is that I got a lurcher collie cross (though I’m pretty sure there’s a bit of Jack Russell in her) called rose. She is such an amazing dog who always makes me laugh and knows when I am struggling a little and gives me more cuddles. She’s also a reason to continue because if I don’t look after her who will!

I started working

I had worked during my placement year but other than that I had enough in savings to be lucky enough to not have to work through uni. I got a summer job last year and stayed on during my masters year. I am hoping to be kept on on a more permanent basis after this summer. It is in the town my parents live in so another reason to move back with them, especially with the somewhat antisocial hours I work!!

I am going to try to write a bit more!


I’m back

I used to blog here quite a bit but I haven’t in so long.

I’m now feeling the need to put myself out there again and not hold in my thoughts or anything anymore.

I hope you will stick with me through this journey.